Becoming Unstructured
Unstructured
In a recent breathwork session I took part in, the word UNSTRUCTURED came to me as something I need to focus on.
Now, I know you’re probably thinking ‘what do you mean it just CAME to you’ and I’ll get more into these heart and soul whispers in another post. Breathwork has this magic about it where you are voluntarily activating your involuntary system. In essence your brain (ego), after throwing a fit in the first few minutes, surrenders. Energy moves, chakras open. In sessions, I will often get messages or receive an inner knowing. Whispers from my soul, my true essence. You can find out more about breathwork here.
Back to becoming Unstructured.
When it came to me I thought, that’s interesting but I’m not really sure what it means. For me, that’s a sign to start journaling…or recording voice memos as I walk my dog (my new form of journaling). As I dug into what my soul was telling me, it all started to make sense.
A little back story
I’ve been in a corporate career for the last 15 years that has, for the lack of better words, sucked the life out of me. I knew from my first day of University that this wasn’t the right path for me, but I pushed through, and joined the corporate rat race because that’s what I was SUPPOSED to do, right? I hopped from one unfulfilling job to the next. Over the past 5 years or so, the deeper I dive into my own self-exploration journey, my meaning of career and life’s work has started to unravel.
Or, I’ve started to peel the layers back to what it really means to ME, I should say.
After multiple layoffs, companies running out of money, and countless tears I finally took the not-so-subtle hint the universe was giving me and left the traditional 9-5 setting to follow my heart. Now, I would love to say this road has been nothing but puppies and rainbows ever since, quite the opposite as a matter of fact. It is taking going even deeper into my shadow, working with (and around) my ego, exposing my weaknesses, highlighting my insecurities, and trusting and allowing harder then I’ve ever had to.
That’s where becoming unstructured comes in.
The day after my breathwork session, my body CRAVED nurturing, slow movement, and deep thought. For me, this means heading to the beach and soaking in the sun. But, I was weighted down by a heavy blanket of guilt for not being perched at my computer, just waiting for the notification button on the slack channel for a project I’m consulting on to light up. I felt guilt over not being ready to work furiously the moment hey called on me because it was 10:30 in the morning and what else would I be doing? A knee-jerk reaction from the years of school and job-related conditioning.
What does it mean to become unstructured?
For me, becoming unstructured means starting to unweave myself from a system of structures that aren’t mine, that I don’t align with, and frankly, I don’t need anymore.
This doesn’t mean I’m throwing structure completely to the wind, but it means I’m getting curious about what part of a structure is important to me and what part of the structure I want to take part in, that enhances my life. Structure, in some parts of my life, matters very much. But this process is about exploring where it matters, where it fits, and where it doesn’t.
From a career perspective, I am in a fortunate position to start moving away from a traditional career setting (and don’t get me started on my thoughts on how outdated that system is) but it also means unlearning what I’ve learned over the past 15 years (plus school). It means I am choosing something different so I can also choose when, how, and how often I show up. Now that also impacts my income so showing up in some sort of a structured way is important..but the structure gets to be more on my terms.
It means reframing what success means, what achievement looks like, and how I earn an income. It means disentangling myself from the guilt of not ‘looking’ busy from 9-5. It also means getting to know my strengths, my gifts and how I express myself creatively because to me…that is what achievement looks like…not a meaningless title or 12-hour workday badge of honour.
At its core, though, becoming unstructured means pushing myself beyond what I know, at this moment, to be possible, believing that there are infinite possibilities out there. It is opening my heart and mind to things I never even knew were possible.
I’ll use my career as an analogy because that’s the reality I’m completely IN right now. For the longest time (like since I was 5), I’ve craved a path of doing something different, something out of the norm. But I couldn’t put my finger on exactly WHAT…what the title of that thing was. The struggle ensued because the ego LOVES a good framework, it relies on what it already knows. It wanted to find a title that I could hang my hat on so that I could, in just a word or two, answer the questions: ’So, what do you do?’. My ego wanted so badly to be able to say, ‘I am a ______.’ and have a succinct answer that made sense.
But, I’m learning that becoming unstructured means answering that question might not be as easy as it seems because maybe there isn’t a title for what I do. Maybe, just maybe, the possibilities of what I can do are so vast my ego doesn’t even know what to label that yet. Breathe on that for a moment.
A Recap
If I’ve lost you in the ‘out there thinking’, I’ll recap. Becoming unstructured means two things to me. First, it means getting curious about what structures are for you and what is just passed down to you. It’s questioning what is right for YOU. Second, and most importantly, becoming unstructured means opening your heart and mind to believe anything could be possible. It means pushing your thinking beyond what you know to be true today and being open to it being something TOTALLY different.
I am aware I’m in a bit of a privileged situation where I can quit my 9-5 and follow my dreams. I know that this may not be accessible and realistic for everyone. I don’t have kids to rear or really anything other than rent and debt to look after. While this path might not be available for everyone who is longing to unstructured themselves from a life that isn’t theirs. I do believe that doesn’t mean you have to give up the idea of leading from your heart and soul.
You can still get curious about what aligns with you and what doesn’t. You can still take the tiniest of steps to change the reality you live in right now, even if that just means being open to new ideas.