When Your Ego Feels Exposed

WHEN THE EGO GETS EXPOSED//⁣

I had a pretty interesting experience yesterday that I’m still trying to process and assess how I feel about it.

I had a session with a very experienced intuitive to talk about all things health, business, and life in general. I was unsure what to expect from the experience as it’s my first time seeing someone who channeled specifically for me.

When I left I felt, well, less than great which I wanted to take time to explore. The experience wasn’t bad and I wasn’t feeling this way because of anything she/my/her spirit team came to the table with.

The other interesting thing was she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, there were no surprises or curveballs. I’ve been exploring my own intuition and connection with source or spirit or whatever you want to call over the last year or so and am finding out I’m actually quite intuitive (which we all are and we’ll get into that later). I’ve been exercising my intuitive muscles and to hear her say what she said and me to have to say, “Yes, I know” was validating.

Back to the experience. Now that I’ve had some time and distance to process the session I realize I’m feeling shitty because my ego feels completely exposed.

This is also not a new experience for me. Whenever I do something that energetically shifts me to my core like reiki training or breathwork, my ego kicks into high gear and fights tooth and nail to stay in sameness. I get cranky and fall back into old habits, stories, and circumstance.

You see, for 37 years, my ego has worked incredibly hard to build walls of ‘protection’ around me - even physical walls like excess weight. It has done a fine job of keeping people at a safe distance, from ’seeing’ me, and from ultimately hurting me or breaking my heart. At times, I have gratitude for having my own personal bouncer. This isn’t one of those times.

My ego, until yesterday, thought it was doing a great job of hiding itself behind these walls and keeping and keeping anything beyond the wall from seeing it. I sat across from someone for less than 5 minutes before she called out all of my egos tactics for keeping me ’safe’ and in a state of sameness. She laid them all out on the table and very sweetly said, “does that make sense?”

I feel like I was kicked in the stomach.

My ego was SCREAMING, “RETREAT, RETREAT, INTRUDER, THIS ISN’T SAFE”

in my own client session, I liken the ego to a bratty 6 years old who has been told they can’t do or have something they really want. The stomping, ear plugging, screaming, and general tantrum-ing will ensure. For me, yesterday, ensue it did.

As I wanted out of the office my ego started in on its very persuasive tactics to talk me back from the edge of change, taunting me with its old faithful - negative habits thought patterns and stories. For me, it whispers sweet nothings of binge eating and avoidant behavior into my ears. And I’ll admit, I gave in a little. I’m a people pleaser/peacekeeper after all.

But this time was different.

It’s like I had been seen for the first time. So, I gave into my ego, just a little as a way to say thanks for coming, but we might have to part ways.

So today, I sit in this weird spot between feeling completely exposed (or my ego likes to think it was attacked) and a little FREER.

There’s a part of me, a part of my ego that is dying off. Its job has become redundant. It’s been exposed for not having the skills to keep me safe anymore.

I know this isn’t the last I’ll see of my ego, it’s clever after all. It will change tactics, push harder. But I know it’s spinning because it’s losing the control it once had.

Today….I soften to that.