Foundations of Self-Love

Let’s chat a little about self-love.

It’s a big and buzzy word these days. So much so that there is a whole industry forming around it. And rightly so…it seems we are waking up to the idea that when we hold ourselves with love and kindness, we live a happier and more aligned life. Who wouldn’t want that?

So, What is Self-Love?

My first reaction to this question is to turn it back on you — what does self-love mean to you?

To me, it’s wholeness. It’s unconditional love, acceptance, and appreciation for all that is you, at this moment and every moment. It doesn’t mean you have to be in love with yourself as you are but you accept the darkness and the light, the strengths and the weaknesses, the ugly and the beauty. It’s intrinsically intertwined with self-worth, self-respect, and integrity. It’s also dynamic. Self-love at this moment might look different than it once did or what it might look like in the future.

When we move through life from a space of unconditional self-love, we have compassion for ourselves as a human being struggling to find personal meaning, purpose, and values. And we don’t look beyond our own energy for fulfillment.

Self-love is an inside job.

My own journey of self-love

I’ve been on my own journey of exploring self-love over the last year or so. To say it’s been eye-opening and a bumpy ride would be an understatement. I found it hard to see self-love beyond the boundaries of my physical shell and what my body looks like. I was holding the measuring stick to how much love I deserved, and in that how worthy I was, against that of an unrealistic industry’s standards.

Over the course of a year I’ve made changes and mindset shifts in leaps and bounds, all while sitting at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been and more unhappy with the dissonance grows between where I am and where I want to be.

The real mindset shifts came for me this summer when two things happened.

1// A Facebook memory popped up with a photo from 3 years ago when I was at my fittest and slimmest. It took my breath away. I remember how I felt at that moment - fat, gross, and unworthy. I see that person now and can see her beauty and it had nothing to do how big or small she was - and to be honest, her body looked perfect. It was a total mind fuck! The person I am at this moment would LOVE to be back in that body, yet the former version of me hated everything about that body.

2// A part of me still believes that my previous marriage failed because I was fat. That he cheated because I was chubby. Silly I know but this is one of those lingering limiting beliefs around worthiness. I was dreading going back to my hometown this summer because I was sitting at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I wore the weight like a badge of unworthiness. Like see - I told you she was not good or unworthy of love. The truth was, this was the best trip I’ve had home in the seven years since I’ve been gone. I felt more grounded, sure of myself, and alive than I’ve probably ever been. Weight and all.

It’s like I had to live through these moments to see that my body has little, if anything, to do with how much self-love I’m worthy of. Since then, I’ve become committed to making this the relationship I have with myself THE most successful relationship I’ve ever been in. A committed and loving relationship based on truth, growth, and openness.

The funny thing about self-love

The funny thing about self-love is that we treat it differently than any other relationship we’ve ever been in. Think about it, very rarely in life do we jump headfirst into a loving and committed relationship with someone, and for those who want to argue love and first sight…again my previous marriage could prove quite the opposite.

We generally take time to get to know each other, build trust, liking and eventually a mutual and respectful love. So, why do we expect a deep and loving relationship with our truest and highest self to be any different?

What if we explore building the foundation of a lasting relationship with ourselves rather than diving headfirst into the deep end of self-love through affirmations and bubble baths.

The foundations of self-love

A lasting relationship starts with trust, respect, honesty, support, good communication, understanding, and fun.

What’s possible if we look at self-love through these pillars as well?

While self-love might have a few more complexities than other relationships, what don’t we start by reframing how we see the relationship and invite in the possibility of it being like every other important relationship in our lives? After all, isn’t this THE most important relationship you will have in this lifetime?

So where to begin?

Here are my 4 Steps to building a strong foundation of Self-Love:

◬ STILLNESS

I realize I might be singing a familiar tune here but I do believe getting STILL and PRESENT is the bases of pretty much everything worth exploring.

When was the last time you were still with yourself?

When was the last time you sat with yourself and tuned into the body, the soul and just committed to listening?

When was the last time you let your mind, body, and soul meet in the same place and get acquainted? Learned how each communicates with the other?

Start there.

Start by getting curious about where your body holds on tight or grips, as I like to say in my mediations, to muscles, emotions, feelings.

◬ OPENNESS

Believe and be open to the idea that loving yourself IS possible. It doesn’t have to be an overnight process but if you approach self-love with an open mind, and open heart, and are open to the possibility of it blooming into something beyond what you know to be true at this moment, you have the capacity to love yourself.

At least one percent of you have to know that loving yourself is possible. If you don’t believe that there is a 1% chance that you can develop a loving relationship with yourself, the relationship is going to be bumpy.

Trust that the relationship will take time after all most of us have spent a lifetime(s) hating who we are, the skin we are in, the choices we make, or the experiences we have. Don’t expect this to turn around overnight — but be open to the possibility that it WILL indeed turn around.

◬ CURIOSITY

Commit to exploring what triggers you, how and when you react to the good and the bad, when you get triggered into a tailspin, what fear looks and feels like in you, and what lays just under the surface in the shadow. This is where you look and really see all parts of you.

I’m not saying you have to love all parts of you, but when you commit to bringing all parts into the light of your awareness. You can develop, over time, an acceptance, appreciation, and even forgiveness for what is.

It can help you see how you and your body and soul will work on struggles and triumphs moving forward.

◬ COMMITMENT

Commit to the process of expanding what you know to be self-love now into possibilities more beautiful than you could imagine. Know that the process will come with ups and downs, like any relationship but trust that you are committed to seeing through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the ugly and the beauty.

Commit because you know that relationships worth having take work and that you are worth it.

Closing thoughts

So there it is my four key components that lay the foundation of a beautiful entanglement of self-love.

And here is where I am on this journey: I’m learning to build trust between me, my body, and my highest self. I’m learning to tune in to how my body communicates with me and the language I use to communicate with it.

I may not love my body but I am learning to sit with it in a loving space, you could say we are courting each other. I honour the parts of me that I do admire and appreciate.

And I encourage you to do the same.

Go slow, get intimate and build the foundation.

Self-love will grow.